"I see you working in nutrition, fitness, health & wellness. Something along those lines," a psychic told me at the Russian Tea Room in Edmonton on my nineteenth birthday. I nodded agreeably, but my head flooded with skepticism as I thought about the fact that I'd never stepped foot in a gym and I ate McDonald's three times that week already.
I have always loved food. And I've always hated food. I binged, I purged. I ate too much, I didn't eat for days. I can remember sitting on the edge of the YMCA pool in a one piece bathing suit (to cover my stomach, of course) staring at my thighs, thinking how big they looked. I was five years old. I remember running for two hours after my second day of only eating celery sticks (while smelling the food you actually want to eat, to trick your brain) and drinking ice water, which shocks your stomach and suppresses appetite. I garnered these tips from Pro-Ana Lifestyle at fifteen years old.
Fast forward a few years - I was walking passed a World Health Club with an enticingly priced New Years membership, and figured "This is a sign." Well, it literally was a brightly lit sign, but it seemed very serendipitous and fateful that I should notice it as I never walked that way. This was the beginning of approaching weight management in what I thought was a healthy way.
Unfortunately, for anyone who has suffered from disordered eating may know, obsessive behaviour is difficult to abandon. I worked out too much, and ate too little and it was addicting. I put low-carb, fat-free protein powder in water and drank it a couple of times a day and deemed them as "meals". Then cravings would conquer me, and I'd drink an extra large Coke, KFC fries and a Venti White Mocha Frappuccino back to back. I tried concealing my eating habits, internalizing the overwhelming self hatred, shame, disgust towards my body, anxiety, depression ..... I needed to regain some control.
I decided there was too much damn information out there about nutrition, and I needed a formal education in this overwhelming realm. I enrolled at the Canadian School of Natural Nutrition, and found a new disorder - orthorexia. I was scared to eat anything "unclean". Meat is acidic and carcinogenic, peanuts have aflotoxin, barbecuing causes cancer, are these apples really organic? I was desperate for food-freedom and I was sick of feeling out of control. Well, just you wait, Nicolette ... You ain't seen nothing yet.
I was leaving the doctor's office. I had a final exam the next day. A heavily-weighted, short-answer final exam. I was stressed. I needed to study. My boyfriend at the time asked me to meet him before he headed to work. He put my house keys and a letter in my purse, dumped me and drove off. I learned a lot about human physiology in the weeks to come. When you're stressed. Depressed. Devastated. Traumatized. You have no appetite. If you try to eat, you will throw up. I lost twelve pounds in under two weeks. I coined this phenomena "The Dumped Diet" - want to lose weight quick? Ask your partner to dump you out of the blue for someone else.
When I could finally muster the energy to get out of bed and face the world, I still felt unworthy, unlovable, ugly, fat (the list goes ON and ON). However, reviewing that list everyday got tiring, and I was sick of my own bullshit when I still continued to sporadically burst into tears three months later. I became more fascinated with nutrition for the brain. What to eat to make neurotransmitters, to support chemical balance, to ward off anxiety and depression, deter disordered eating habits. The difference in my mental health was staggering - but, I still had that cliche post-breakup desire to get a hot as fuck revenge-physique.
I stumbled upon a Nutrition Coach on Instagram, a proponent of the ever-popular IIFYM, an eating philosophy I couldn't quite figure out on my own. One month of his coaching, and I had never felt better. Strong, lean, happy, eating ice cream without guilt. I continued on, treating myself as my own science experiment, constantly manipulating my macronutrient balance and seeing amazing changes in my body. Now, I can eat quite intuitively and have settled into a food-freedom sweet spot.
I laugh to myself now thinking about how dark some of my days have been. I have come so far. I am an entirely different girl than the one with eating disorders, with constant inexplicable depression and anxiety, with nagging hatred for every inch of my body, with gut wrenching heartache. I remember sobbing, thinking "why me?" so often. Drop the victim mentality and ask that question again. "Why me? What am I supposed to learn from this adversity?" And now I think "thank God that happened to me!" I had no outstanding passions for anything, no call or feeling of purpose. Now that I've reached that light at the end of the tunnel people kept promising me I would see, I want to bring others with me. Know that things not working out the way you wanted them to is sometimes a stroke of luck. I want you to walk by a mirror without tearing yourself apart, eat at a party without the guilt trip. Swap Xanax for zucchini. Understand that the dark, ragged, morose parts of you allow the joyous, grateful, dazzling parts to come through so much brighter. Don't stifle the innate. You are enough, naturally. And I want to teach people to nurture their nature.
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